【Question】Try Something Novel (for Advanced English Learner)

[夢境的行旅 10]

Hullo guys, I'm a newbie and a new face here. First the self-introduction: I'm a student, 18, friendly-looking (friendly within, also), graduated from KSHS this summer. I would like to ask for some advice on my writing while sharing you a novel way to improve our English.

That is, to do Chinese-English TRANSLATION on a specifically chosen article, prose, poem, or even novel that was originally written in Chinese. As for me, the works of renowned writers are preferable due to the exact usage of language and the beautiful imagery he/she chose.

The first exercise I did was to translate the first part of the novel 生之祭 by 霍斯陸曼‧伐伐, a late renowned writer who belongs to Taiwanese aboriginal group of Bunun people.

Oops, since in this section of Student Bulletin only English expression is allowed, I can only post the English part of my exercise here. You can go to my blog for further information, including author introduction, original text in Chinese, notes, and the preface.

SITE:(Please. Don't think of this as an ADVERTISEMENT. I have no choice but to put this here, anyway.) http://www.wretch.cc/blog/jurian0101/14555591

It's much welcomed for you to leave your precious comment here as well as on my blog. Thanks again.

=============================(By the name of seperation line I was called)=============================

Quiet is the night in the woods among the mountains. Only fowls that perceive the night and the tree frogs in the dell, still, persist in their daytime hubbub[1] .

The moonlight tenderly cloaks[2] the cold woods like a soft bedquilt. Gazing from afar[3] , silvery light was emitted from the land as clear as a cauldron polished carefully. Night wind drifts along the undulating mountains, mischievously blowing the moon westward. Light glistens through the leaves of a China berry tree[4] , vibrating to and fro at the wind achanging, as if fireflies busying themselves in a fiesta.

Buima crouches and leans his body against the thigh of his grandpa. Inside the old stone stove piles glowing charcoals, lighting up the narrow kitchen and warming up the chilly air.

'Luni #1, aren't you tired? You had better go to sleep now. 'Says the old man with silvery hair and a faceful of wrinkles, looking down at the boy on his legs.

'I cannot fall asleep,' says the boy, 'tina#2 groaned so painfully, tama hudas*1, isn't she dying?' Buima gazes his grandfather with his eyes red, for whether he is truly tired out or the smoke in the chamber has been too dense.

'No she is not.' Says the old man reassuringly, 'She is just trying to urge[5] your masi nauba*2 to come out from her belly. Moreover, she is among the bravest women in the tribe. It's gonna be alright. You can go get some sleep and worry no more.'

'Tina wailed[6] with the bamboo partridges at the evening. Now the partridges get weary and stop wailing, but tina just go on crying. I doubt masi nauba is to come. No, have him not come, tama hudas. I want tina crying no more. 'Says Buima with his head low and his shoulder trembling.

'What a faint-hearted lad.' Grandfather scolds,' Aren't you able to, for your present might, cleanse the house for your parents, feed the pigs, and build fires for cooking?

'We men of Isibukun#3 are not supposed to tear. It's a shameful deed for which one shall fall into contempt of the Spirits of Creation. 'Says the old man while caressing the boy's soft hair. However, every now and then the elder glances at the living room with his concerned eyes.

＊ ＊ ＊ ＊ ＊

It was at the nightfall that the tribal children, Buima included, played and chased one another at the open ground, pretending to be hunters and prey - or rather, cubs and younglings altogether. Thus on the dusty ground they raise a few smoke of dirt. The setting sun wearily leaned upon the mountains far away. Some nameless fowls flew returning to their covert nest, as always, obscuring themselves with the sunset.

Trees shook off heat of the day in the fresh mountain wind, but in the meantime shook off some ailing leaves unexpectedly, which scattered all about and made tipping-tapping sounds as loud as raindrop’s falling, so loud as to make the sleepy hound dog under the eaves raise its ears searching for the source of such noise. As the bamboo partridge shrieked lamenting the fleeting daylight, a group of grownups popped up in haste on the track stretching out from the tribe. With heartrending howls of a woman the group flied toward the tribe like a speeding bullet.

'Buima, that was your tina's voice.' The child with the keenest hearing stopped their game instantly.

'It indeed was. I can tell.' Tina's voice is the most familiar to Buima in his lifetime, and vice versa.

'My little brother may soon come to our family!' Buima turned around and flied toward the thatched cottage, his home.

＊ ＊ ＊ ＊ ＊

I'm looking forward for your comment!

[MikiRei 10]

山林的夜晚是安靜的，只有看得懂黑夜的山鳥和溪谷的樹蛙依然守著白天的嘈雜。

Quiet is the night in the woods among the mountains. Only fowls that perceive the night and the tree frogs in the dell, still, persist in their daytime hubbub[1] .

Among the mountains? Hmmm...I quite like the first sentence. It's nice and poetic...but it...somehow doesn't sound like the original text.

dell: ??????? Do you mean "dwell"?

The nights are quiet within the mountain forests. Only the fowls and the tree frogs within the valley continue their daytime hubbub throughout the night, aided by their ability to see in the dark.

That's just one suggestion.

Note: You shouldn't use "perceive" here as to "perceive" something is to be aware of something, rather than actually physically "seeing" something. Ack...not the best explanation.

月光像厚厚的棉被撫蓋著泠冷的山林。遠遠望去，大地就像一個刷洗過後的鍋底，散發著乾淨的銀色光芒。晚風順著山脈的形狀起伏飄蕩，並且調皮的把月亮慢慢吹向另一邊的山巒。苦楝樹下數不清的碎光，跟著風的方向不停的四處跳躍，彷彿是螢火蟲們正忙著舉行屬於牠們的祭典。

The moonlight tenderly cloaks[2] the cold woods like a soft bedquilt. Gazing from afar[3] , silvery light was emitted from the land as clear as a cauldron polished carefully. Night wind drifts along the undulating mountains, mischievously blowing the moon westward. Light glistens through the leaves of a China berry tree[4] , vibrating to and fro at the wind achanging, as if fireflies busying themselves in a fiesta.

Ok...start with the first sentence. I guess that's ok....I personally will go for:

The moonlight covers the cold mountain forests like a thick blanket.

Comment 1: bedquilt isn't a word. As for quilt:

"A coverlet or blanket made of two layers of fabric with a layer of cotton, wool, feathers, or down in between, all stitched firmly together, usually in a decorative crisscross design."

ie. It's a blanket, but it's more of a "special" blanket. So for the more generic term for 棉被, it's blanket.

Gazing from afar[3] , silvery light was emitted from the land as clear as a cauldron polished carefully.

Personally don't think that COMPLETELY translates the original text. It's nice though.

Gazing from afar, the land was like a freshly polished pan, shining with clean, silvery light.

Note: I chose "pan" because that makes more sense to an English ear. What the author really is referring to is a "wok" and...quite frankly, the word sounds a little comedic. Cauldron isn't the right choice because it's usually black, and it's usually made of stone so it can never be shiny and emitting silvery light no matter how much you clean it.

Urgh.....I'm too cold to continue...I'll come back and finish my comment when I have the time. Too much stuff to do at the moment.

For now, good effort! :)

[Richtu 10]

Wow...you guys must have a lot of time on your hands...

This is off-topic but 學長...

You're missing quite a few bars on your school tag一_一狠...

[夢境的行旅 10]

MiKiRei, thank you at the very beginning. The following was some of my ideas after re-thinking.

@1

Quite agree. When I came to the first sentense, I was reading the chapter XI nad XII of The Lord of the Rings. Tolkien used tons of such expession. Thus I was deeply fascinated by it and, unfortunately, seduced to write something of that sort.

But how could I be so stupid to overlook the simplest and best expression, 'mountain woods,' XD So, we have come up with a final consensus?

Quiet is the night in the mountain woods.

@2

'Dell' is like valley. Another word is 'dale.' But with those Eng-Chi and Eng-Eng dictionary I can never figure out which one is wider, which one is narrower, or even whether or not there is a river or creek running in it. I used it simply because I just read it in the chapter XI(which Frodo and his company was under siege by ringwraith on the Weathertop) and had looked it up in the dictionary. I don't know what expression is reletively better.

@3

Using 'perceive' is really out of carelessness. Would it be better to say' read the night' ? The simpler, the better.

I think the author did not place emphasis on that those beings can SEE. It's more like that they know their surroundings very well at night, and every change, every movement were clear to them.

@4

I wonder what the author meant by using the word 'thick.' It gave a feeling of stagnancy and heavy load. But that's not supposed to be proper when discribing a night scene.

So I would like to replace bedquilt with blanket. That seems better to me. But 'thick' is by no means in my consideration.

@5

Ha, I don't even know what a cauldron looks like. I thought it was supposed to be BIG, not knowing--OOOOOOPS it's usually black. Thanks. It's my fault to fell asleep when I watched Harry Potter movies. Yours is good. Can I use it in the website? How come I wrote 'emit' remains a mystery, for it sounds stupid, remind me of a LED.

[夢境的行旅 10]

Wow...you guys must have a lot of time on your hands...

This is off-topic but 學長...

You're missing quite a few bars on your school tag...

Huhuhuuuuuuuhahaha........., my secret identity as an superagent was uncovered. You mischievous lad. Now PRAY. I am coming to terminate you.

Not, that's a bug of the system, I think. There is no 'the fourth grade' in highschool, so the single bar means actually 'Rookie of university'. ^^

I ain't going change no title. I wonna stay low-key.

[MikiRei 10]

Tolkien used tons of such expession.

Hmmmmm.....Tolkien...isn't REALLY a writer. He's more of a linguist/English professor. For the most part, he gets too caught up with the world he's creating (in LOTR at least) that he goes into IMMENSE detail as to his story's settings that....the plot doesn't move fast enough for me...towards the end anyways. Also, I tend to find his writing style slightly archaic. There are plenty of other writers who write beautifully so I guess, don't restrict yourself.

'Dell' is like valley. Another word is 'dale.' But with those Eng-Chi and Eng-Eng dictionary I can never figure out which one is wider, which one is narrower, or even whether or not there is a river or creek running in it. I used it simply because I just read it in the chapter XI(which Frodo and his company was under siege by ringwraith on the Weathertop) and had looked it up in the dictionary. I don't know what expression is reletively better.

(Man....you do like your Tolkien don't you?)

Hmmmm....I don't think people use this expression often enough these days but *shrug*. Do what you want I guess.

Using 'perceive' is really out of carelessness. Would it be better to say' read the night' ? The simpler, the better.

I think the author did not place emphasis on that those beings can SEE. It's more like that they know their surroundings very well at night, and every change, every movement were clear to them.

Well, it is abstract I guess. "Read the night" might work. Depends on the entire pargraph/context. This is precisely why there's an entire degree for people who want to be translators.

I wonder what the author meant by using the word 'thick.' It gave a feeling of stagnancy and heavy load. But that's not supposed to be proper when discribing a night scene.

So I would like to replace bedquilt with blanket. That seems better to me. But 'thick' is by no means in my consideration.

Hmmm...a quilt can still be thick mind you. Choosing "quilt" over "blanket" doesn't really solve the problem. The answer probably lies on the imagery you see when you read the original text. Maybe the author did mean a thick, abundant amount of moonlight shining across the forest floors? You never know. It depends on interpretation. Personally, if I was to describe a similar scene, I might say, "The moonlight shone across the forest, covering the trees like a silvery sheet of soft silk," or something along those lines. It depends what you want the readers to see. In translation, it depends on what YOU THINK the author's trying to let you see and then translating that through to the translated language. To do that, a thorough understanding on both language and their culture is needed to do an effective job.

In my case, all I was doing is trying to stick as much to the original writing as possible...without making it sound weird. Expression in Chinese doesn't work quite as well in English so sometimes you need to sacrifice a few subtlety here and there (when translating Chinese to English at least).

How come I wrote 'emit' remains a mystery, for it sounds stupid, remind me of a LED.

Emit works. You're not actually wrong there. Silvery light can be emitted. I chose "shining with etc..." for...well, it flows and it doesn't lose the original text's meaning. So you can use emit....it just depends on HOW you use it.

Can I use it in the website?

You can....just make sure you cite this thread I guess. *shrug* I'm not too fussed.

In terms of cauldron, you can probably also use "pot" instead.

I ain't going change no title. I wonna stay low-key.

I ain't gonna change no title. I wanna stay low-key.

[damoko 10]

'Dell' is like valley. Another word is 'dale.' But with those Eng-Chi and Eng-Eng dictionary I can never figure out which one is wider, which one is narrower, or even whether or not there is a river or creek running in it. I used it simply because I just read it in the chapter XI(which Frodo and his company was under siege by ringwraith on the Weathertop) and had looked it up in the dictionary. I don't know what expression is reletively better.

(Man....you do like your Tolkien don't you?)

Hmmmm....I don't think people use this expression often enough these days but *shrug*. Do what you want I guess.

Really? I think dale is still being used. Not as commonly as valley though, but I do sometimes stumble across this word - imo, its often spoken by people who use it in the hope that others will not understand its meaning so that they themselves may seem more knowledgable.

As for which word is better, I might choose dale since dell, according to my dictionary, means 'a small secluded wooded valley'. Also dell reminds me of that computer company which my uncles works for lol

Hope this helps :p

[MikiRei 10]

Really? I think dale is still being used. Not as commonly as valley though, but I do sometimes stumble across this word - imo, its often spoken by people who use it in the hope that others will not understand its meaning so that they themselves may seem more knowledgable.

Lol! You mean people with a big head? :p

If it's part of your vocabulary, that's fine. I hate it when people purposely use overly long words for no particular reason just to make themselves sound smart, only to make themselves sound intelligble - not that they care. They bask themselves in self-praise, thinking they've out-smarted a bunch of people because they don't know what he/she's on about when really, they're thinking, "This guy's full of s***". The conversation sort of slips downhill after that with the person talking non-stop while others had stopped listening or trying to add into the conversation because the person talking doesn't really care to listen.

As for dale/dell, maybe it's Australia that doesn't use these words much.....or I've been hanging around too many engineers for too long....:p

[夢境的行旅 10]

so that they themselves may seem more knowledgable.

I feel no irony nor malice in above statement myself, but I'm not sure what other viewer think ----both of my queer usage of language in the article and the comment concerning whether one is self-boasting / showing off by doing that.

I thought the word 'dell' gives some poetic atmosphere or kind of exotic feeling, subtly suggesting the story occured not in our everyday life. But if it was not the case, 'valley' will also do, or be even better.

(psttttt......domoko, is your uncle an elf who works in the company called RIVENDELL. Not, just a joke)

I feel my English leaves much to be improved / practice till proficient. So, obviusly, there's no reason for me to do any preposterous...,s***, I mean funny and dumb deeds, save to entertain you.

Dxmn, why there's always simplest but more suitable word to use which, however, I can never recollect when they could be put to use. And, meanwile, some BIG words just emerge in my mind every now and then, such as "preposterous" which either BONO or George Clooney said in a interview and I read it form a news report. An article could be ugly itself if full of such big words. But big word seemed to appear in some somebody's top priority of everyday vocabulary. And you know what others call this? They call it, gosh, another big word, IDIOSYNCRASY.^^

You may have noticed. The second part of my work is done.http://www.wretch.cc/blog/jurian0101/14596392

Come and pay a visit, would you? And if you like, also give me some suggestion so I can do some debug job.

[MikiRei 10]

I feel no irony nor malice in above statement myself, but I'm not sure what other viewer think ----both of my queer usage of language in the article and the comment concerning whether one is self-boasting / showing off by doing that.

No, we understand you're not doing that. ATTITUDE is usually the key difference in realising when someone's showing off or not.